Note Book
by Sarry Hermin
Summary: Abby and Susan give Kerry a note book, letter and a few topics relating to her relationship with Sandy. This is what I believe she would have written with Sandy's prompting. Rated for safety. Kerry/Sandy Abby/Susan (kinda).
1. Prologue

_**Disclaimer: I do not own ER or any of the character mentioned. I am simply playing with them in my little sand box ^.^**_

_**A/N: Hi guys! I know I have Kerry's Journal on going, but that's going to be a long one. I'm still working on it and I have this one planned out and mostly written. I'm kinda nervous and not sure about it so any thoughts would be most appreciated. Oh, and I'm sorry if this is OOC and even a little AU. Hope you enjoy this. x**_

_**Other notes: The italics are the reactions of Abby and Susan while they are reading the note book, with one small exception in this chapter. The normal writing is the entries made by Kerry and and Sandy the exceptions being two notes left on the front of the book in this chapter. And any writing in ( brackets ) is description relating either to Kerry and Sandy while they were writing or the entry itself. I hope this isn't too confusing to follow :s**_

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**Prologue**

_Abby and Susan giggled and slipped a small book into Kerry's locker after pinning a note onto the front in Abby's hand writing so she wouldn't get suspicious._

Take me home!

"_She's going to kill us tomorrow, Susan."_

"_Oh, I don't care, it'll be worth it."_

"_Whatever. Let's get lost before she comes in."_

"_When does her shift finish?"_

_Abby looked at her watch. "Now."_

_Both ladies hurriedly left, still slipping on their coats passing Kerry in the door way and saying their farewells for the night, each secretly hoping that their little plan would work._

_Kerry opened her locker and quickly grabbed the book that fell out onto her. She shook her head when she noticed Abby's hand writing. Figuring it was something important that Abby want her to have and read at home, she slipped it into her hand bag and left for home and Sandy. _

_An hour later Kerry reached home and sat on the couch with Sandy, bringing the little book from her bag._

"_Whatcha got there hun?"_

_Kerry shrugged. "Abby slipped it into my locker earlier." She opened it and laughed at what she read._

What a genius idea this was! As a collective the staffers of Cook County ER, we have chosen a few subjects relating to you and your relationship with Sandy for you, our boss to write about. We are all curious about you and Sandy. You're so very tight lipped about it and the gossip that runs between us all is never confirmed or denied by you. Sandy is more than willing to give us most of the juicy details that we ask for, but that's no fun.

You've been with us now for almost ten years and we still know very little about you.

Well apart from me, I am her best friend after all.

Shush Abby.

Make me Susan.

*sticks tongue out at Abby*

Anyway. Here you go Kerry. I hope you won't deny us this. And Sandy, help her along a little!

Susan, Abby and the rest of the staff x

_Sandy laughed too when she leaned over Kerry and read what was written on the first page of the book._

"_Are you gonna do it?"_

_Kerry looked up at Sandy. "Should I?"_

"_Go on, it could be fun." Kerry looked sceptical. "I'll be here."_

_Reluctantly Kerry nodded and flipped to the next page._

"_Solitude."_

_Sandy nodded and the pair got comfortable on the couch. Sandy sat in the corner with Kerry between her and the back of the couch, half curled into her side._

_The following day, Abby was surprised to find the little note book in her locker with a note from Sandy attached to the front._

Abby,

Share this with Susan and make sure you thank Kerry. It was hard on her.

Sandy x

_With a slight squeal, Abby went bouncing out of the lounge and headed straight to Susan who was at the admit desk, the little book in her hand._

"_Susan, look what we got back." Abby proudly showed Susan._

_Susan grinned widely. "Has she done it?"_

_Abby nodded. "Wanna meet after shift at my place to read it?"_

"_Sure, why not."_

_Abby nodded and slipped the book in her pocket, hoping to have time to slip a few peeks. She didn't and later that evening Susan and Abby curled up on Abby's couch, much the way Kerry and Sandy had the night before with the note book between them._

__To Be Continued?


	2. Solitude

_**A/N: Here you go guys, chapter one :) I'm having great fun writing this and hope you can all understand it. For the 'key' look back at the first post. Enjoy! x**_

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**Chapter One: Solitude**

I'm not entirely sure why I'm agreeing to this, but you'll all be glad to know that Sandy is sat her next to me on the couch as I write at least a little something of what you've asked for. I don't know how to write what I think and my apologies to you all now if any of it doesn't make sense or even if the style differs throughout this little book.

Stop poking me Sandy. I'll start writing on topic now.

_Abby and Susan giggled and shook their heads._

"_That sounds so much like her, yet so different."_

_Abby nodded in agreement. "This could be interesting."_

_Susan nodded and tightened her arm around Abby. "This was a great idea."_

"_You're full of 'em."_

I curled up on my normal side of the bed and stared at the other side of the large and lonely bed. I was used to being alone and even used to take comfort from the solitude of home. It used to be the place that I ran away to, to escape from the hardships of the ER. Not anymore. For the first six months I'd been letting my walls down and Sandy Lopez had been worming her way further and further into my heart. Now she is the place I run to when things get a little too tough. And I hope that she would be able to run to me to hide.

You know I do hun.

*nods* I just don't believe it sometimes.

"_I can't believe Sandy's added bits in."_

"_Do you think Kerry knows?"_

"_Of course does. She left space."_

"_She didn't."_

"_What do you mean Abs?"_

"_Picture it. Kerry and Sandy curled up like we are now; Sandy probably stole the pen from her and wrote in it, not giving Kerry any choice."_

_Susan laughed. "You're right. I can see that happening!"_

Not finding the solitude comforting is unsettling to me now. Now little else but Sandy can calm my speeding mind and the solitude just makes it worse.

Now the silence brings all my worries for Sandy to the forefront of my mind, colliding with the others floating about. It's painful, but not just to my head. It causes my heart to pulse that little bit quicker and the overwhelming need to hold her in my arms and reassure myself that she's okay fills it to bursting point. And there are times when I had to fight that need to go and find her. And tonight was one of those times.

I didn't know that.

I hide it well from you.

No more you don't.

*sigh* Yes mother. Oi! Don't poke me!

(This time it was a mixture of Kerry's and Sandy's hand writing, Kerry obviously having grasped what Sandy wanted to do. Now Abby and Susan could clearly tell who was who, not that they had much difficulty anyway.)

_A little more laughter erupted from the pair at the bantering between their boss and her partner._

"_I don't think I'll ever call Sandy a girlfriend again."_

"_No. I think wife covers it."_

"_Definitely. They argue like an old married couple."_

"_Oi! Kerry's not that old."_

"_I never said that Abs, let's just keep reading."_

_Abby nodded in agreement and mentally kicked herself for not paying attention to the woman next to her._

I close my eyes and picture Sandy being there, holding me. A tear slips slowly down my cheek and a few more quickly follow as the silence and solitude pressed heavily down on me. I've always struggled with losing children at work and I used to be able to lock all the emotions that came with it, the solitude helping. But now my mask and walls drop as soon as I cross the threshold. Maybe that's in the hope that Sandy will be there to catch me, and she usually is. It was so very rare that she wasn't there to do just that. But recently I had been coming home to the solitude more and more.

I worry that I've done something wrong and she's starting to distance herself from me. Or that a call has gone wrong. Only the solitude brings my insecurities to the front of my mind, but the presence of the beautiful Latina quells them all.

I'm right here Ker, and I'm not going anywhere. I promise.

(The entry broke off there.)

_Abby sighed and leaned into Susan. "Should we carry on reading? This seems way too personal to them."_

"_You don't have to, but I'm going to."_

_Abby heaved a sigh. "I suppose I should just to keep you at bay."_

"_Hey, you agreed to this Abby."_

"_I know. But I didn't think she would actually go through with it."_

_Susan shook her head and brought her eyes away from Abby and back to the little book, thinking just for a second that she was right, but then her mind headed straight for the gutter. "Hey, do you think they stopped there for a reason?"_

_Abby blinked a few times before giggling and poking Susan in the stomach lightly. "You're terrible."_

"_Eh." Was the only noise Susan made before closing the small gap between them, just as Kerry and Sandy had done the previous night…_

To Be Continued...


	3. Smell

_**A/N: I'm so sorry for the delay on posting this chapter. My schedule's a little hectic and unpredictable. I hope to be posting every Sunday for the time being and most of this fic is written with the rest of it planned out. I hope you all enjoy it. Thanks for the reviews :-)**_

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**Chapter Two: Smell**

"_Oh my goodness! She actually wrote something for this one."_

"_You know what she's like."_

"_Jumps in with both feet."_

"_Exactly… But with a push."_

A smile is always brought to my lips when she enters the room. Not just because she is here with me, but because her smell. The one that is so uniquely hers brings the automatic reaction. I love the way that it engulfs me, instantly comforting and easing each part of my body. Each morning I wake up to that wonderful smell and each evening I come home to it.

And I yours.

*blush*

She lives with me now. Something that I never thought possible.

"_At least now we know where we'll find them to drag them out for an evening or two of drinking."_

I have no regrets with inviting her here with me. Nor shall I ever have, for even when she is not here with me, her smell lingers on, reminding me that I have her and always will.

When she holds me all my scenes are lost to her. Her smell, her touch, her taste…

Don't go there hun. We do need to try and keep some things from them.

That's a memory I am keeping between us, love.

Good.

"_Ahhhhhh." Was the collective groan from the two ladies._

(By now Kerry and Sandy had turned their music on and switched it to a volume in which they couldn't hear each other speak and were writing things down to communicate. It was Sandy's idea and seemed to bring Kerry out of her shell.)

It all started on that stormy night when her smell hit me over the intenseness of the pounding rain as she tackled me to the ground. It took days for me to finally try and rid the memory from the very forefront of my thoughts.

Glad I wasn't the only one.

And now it is always there, always reminding me that I am no longer alone.

When she's away at the weekends I sleep on her side of the bed and wear one of her jumpers. It's way too big on me, but I don't care, it smells of her. It pulls me away from the solitude and silence of the apartment. It calms my mind and allows me to better sleep.

I did wander why there's always one of my jumpers missing when I come back.

*sticks tongue out*

"_Oh! I can't see Kerry doing that!"_

"_I've seen her do it to Sandy once or twice. It's kinda cute."_

_Susan pouted. "Are you going off me now?"_

"_Never."_

_The pair shared a brief kiss before turning back to the pages._

I never thought I would be so attached to someone. No, not attached. In love with. I'm in love with Sandy Lopez. It's took me so long to realise that, and to think, it all started with her smell.

I love her smell. I'm never going to forget it. And nobody is going to be the same…

I'm glad to hear that.

"_You know this is sweet."_

"_It's a window into her life. I'm enjoying it."_

"_Enjoy it while it lasts, Susan."_

"_Nah, she'll be different now."_

"_Maybe just to us, but she's unpredictable."_

_They both had memories of the said unpredictable red head at work and laughed._

To Be Continued...


	4. Laughter

_**A/N: So sorry for the late update guys, assignments have started to come in :S Hope you're all still enjoying this. I welcome any comments :) And thanks for reviewing, fav'ing and following. Xx**_

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**Chapter Three: Laughter**

I laugh a lot more than I used to and I smile a lot more than what I used to. Sometimes I think it scares the staffers at work, me showing some emotion.

"_Damn right it does!"_

I can't remember the last time that I laughed so much. Actually, thinking back, it may have been just before my parents, my adoptive parents had died, when we were a family in Africa, with Mlungisi. I miss him. But the memories of him make me smile, before Sandy I would block those memories out, not wanting to be reminded of the times of happiness. Now I have no reason to.

(There was a tear splash on the page, just a small one.)

Come here, hun.

"_Sandy was right with her note."_

"_Yeah, I feel kinda bad now."_

_A silence set over the room, both occupants thinking through what they were doing and if it was completely right._

_Finally Abby looked at Susan. "She went through the trouble of writing it down, do you think we should carry on?"_

"_I think we should try…Doesn't seem all that good an idea now."_

"_She's not as tough as what we all think."_

I don't always let the laughter flow over, but she brings it out of me. I'm so relaxed with her that I ... I don't know how to explain it. She brings out the best in me and for once in my life I don't want to fight it. And most of the time I don't, but sometimes I fall back on my protection and it's Sandy that brings me out of it. Ever since that first 'date' in the ER suture room her smile, laughter, touch, brings me back into the new me. The me that laughs and has fun.

I don't recognise the old me very often. The me that was cold and frigid, that worked way too hard for such little recognition. I owe my new life, the new me, to Sandy and her laughter, my laughter.

"_Wow."_

"_Yeah."_

To Be Continued...


	5. Love

_**A/N: Sorry for the delay! This is completely written and hope to get a chapter a week out by my University schedule is a little hectic at the moment. Thanks for reading and I hope you're all still enjoying this. I welcome any critism on this. And just as a warning there is a hint of Kerry/Romano in this chapter but nothing more than a suggestion. x**_

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**Chapter Four: Love**

This is more depressing than I thought it would be Sandy.

I know it's hard, but we can't stop now, it's just getting interesting for them. Think of their faces…

"_Hey! I'm gonna get her for that one!"_

"_How? Go through Kerry?"_

"_That's easy...Steal her crutch from her again."_

"_Ha!"_

Love, a word in which I thought belonged to my feelings to Kim. To my husband before that.

"_She was married?"_

"_I guess so."_

"_God, I hope it wasn't Romano."_

_The pair looked at each other with wide eyes connecting their behaviour towards each other._

But now I realise what love truly is. In a word, to me, it's Sandy. But it's more than that. I can't explain it in a way that anyone is going to understand, but it fills my heart. Makes me miss her even more than what I did anybody else that I had any sort of relationship with.

I worry about her unnecessarily. I struggle to let her go in the mornings when we both have to get ready for work. I live for the time that we spend together. I used to look forward to going to work. I used to spend every waking minute and then some at the hospital taking on much more than what I was paid for. Now, I often long for the time I get to go home to Sandy. I don't mind going out with her to work events, both mine and hers and I no longer keep our relationship a secret. Did that start just because she outed me in the middle of the department or because I thought long and hard about my feelings? A mixture of both I think. One gave me the bravery to face my feelings while the other was done over so many months that I eventually came to terms with it, even though I had already admitted my love to Sandy privately, and not just in the throes of passion. At random points during the day either to her or over the phone during our lunch breaks.

Told you, you would thank me for that one day.

Thank you Sandy, love, for outing me in front of all of my employees.

"_Ohhh, the sarcasm. I can just feel it running off the page."_

"_I wish I'd been there for that."_

"_Yeah. It was hot!"_

"_Why didn't you tell me about it?"_

"_She looked pissed. Anyway, I was stood at the admit desk waiting for her to come and see a patient with me and Sandy just planted one on her. And she enjoyed it too! I think that's what pissed her off so much."_

"_No way!"_

_Abby just nodded and turned her head away from Susan, not wanting to give her any more details._

Those phone calls have become routine and both Randi and Jerry know not to leave me waiting when she calls or there will be hell to pay, if not from me then from Sandy.

Yeah because I'm a total bitch when I'm kept from my girl.

Mine are often hit and miss but I always leave a message and know that she'll get back to me as soon as she reaches the fire house, sitting and talking to me, if only very briefly before jumping in the shower to rid herself of the smoke and soot that she dealt with.

I love that woman dearly and with everything that I am. And no matter how much I worry about her, and wish that she had a safer job, if only for my nerves' sake, I know that it is a part of her and wouldn't risk losing her over anything. I couldn't live without her. At least, that is how I feel right now. How overwhelmed I am with my emotions towards her.

_Susan and Abby were lost in their own thoughts. Each wondering if what they had with each other was really just a quick affair that wouldn't last or if it was the start of something longer and stronger._

__To Be Continued...


	6. Secrets

_**A/N: The second chapter as promised. Another to come soon. x**_

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**Chapter Five: Secrets**

Secrets. We have no secrets. At least, not any more. We share everything whether it be willingly or under pressure. Three years on and I can count on one hand the number of secrets we have kept from each other. We always seem to catch each other out if we don't just blurt it out, feeling bad about even trying to keep it. Besides, we can read each other like a book now, however much I sometimes wish Sandy couldn't read me; couldn't recognise when I'm in pain or upset after a long and hard shift at work. But in the end I'm always grateful for having her there to lean on.

I don't know what else to say about this, Sandy.

Neither do I, hun.

*sigh*

"_Well there was me thinking there would be some deep and dark secret that they would let loose on us."_

"_I think they have little more control than that. Besides, we still have chocolate to come yet Su."_

_Susan's eyes glinted. "That we do."_

__To Be Continued...


End file.
